[Shrukan]Jak Mortalluis' Training

Here's how you should have made the post, seperating wise:

Quote from Zelda Hunter

As I walk up to the mysterious looking building, I notice people aren't there. I get in and find no clock. I find no one. "Ah!" I said. I have just remmebered I boight a watch and left it in my case. "Where is that thing?!" I screamed as I searched through his case. "Ahah! Right here.......7 o' clock?! Im early by 6 hours. Well, while im here might as well train."

I was looking for a gym or field I could use. So, I looked and found a training room and some dummies.

6 hours later the bell rang. I looked at my schedule and I saw I only had one class: Shrukan's Training. "I'm the king of a planet and I have to train?!" Screamed I.

"ATTENTION!" said Shrukan, the muscular person. The room went gloomy and dark. Shadows creeped against the equipment.

One of the students shivered and whispered to me, "I heard this is the toughest teacher here. You fail, he will personally and literally kick your butt out of here and shoot an arrow at you for disappointment."

"Pay attention Kye!" yelled Shrukan, once kind looking, now fierce. "Yes sir!" Kye screached.

Display More

Bold words: Spelling mistakes
Underline: Not following character's guideline. See the character's topic.

--------

You could have expanded more on the area around Jak.

Quote

I had arrived at a stark building. Feeling myself being overtaken by doubt, I swallowed my fear and entered the building.

I shuffled through my things and found my watch, which was given to me by my father. It has read 7 o'clock.

"Early, by a few hours. Might as well train."

And that I did. I trained in the gym, punching, kicking, and dodging. The gym had everything for those who wanted to train: dumbbells, punching bags, steps, everything!

After a few grueling hours, I cleaned myself in the shower, dressed, and got to class.

I sat nervously in my seat as another kid poked me on my shoulder. "Heard this guy is tough. He fails anyone if they don't do exactly as instructed."

Shrukan, my teacher, came in. He seemed nice, but he looked to be like a small kid.

"Hey! I thought you were supposed to be older! Teenagers can't teach!" I yelled.

Shrukan only came up to me and jabbed me in the stomach. I feel in pain, and grabebd my stomach.

"As long as I still have my job, I am your tutor..."

Display More

Things along to that sort. You have this many mistakes in your post, grammar wise:

Tenses: 2
Spelling: 3
Capitalization: 1
Apostrophe use: 2
Characters misuse: 2

Try to improve on the next post.

Quote from Zelda Hunter

OoC:You're the teacher....you got some spelling mistakes in your re-do too!
Do you want me too continue or re-do the post?

I bolded the spelling mistakes, and Firefox 2.0 never caught any spelling mistakes in my post.

Continue the story, and make sure you use Shrukan correctly.

Quote from Zelda Hunter

OoC: I beg to differ. Your first post had grabbed spelled wrong as grabebd.

BiC:

"Now, today we're traning. Get up!" Shrukan explained.

"YES SIR!" the hole class said but I. Shrukan saw me not standing up. "What was that Joan?" "Huh? What are you talking about?"I interrogated. "GET UP AND SAY: YES SIR!"

Joan got up slowly and said, " Sir yes sir." "What was that?" Shrukan yelled with people chuckling in the back. I became stiff. "SIR YES SIR!" "Much better, you got a detention after class.

NOW GO TO THE TRANING FIELD!" Shrukan yelled. "SIR YES SIR!" in unison the class said. Automatically the calls lined up and to a straight perfect line. Shrukan then explained what to do and gave the kids their traning weapons: gold dust forged steel swords. "Is this safe for traning, sir?" I asked. "Yes it is, and no one has gotten hurt since 7800 years ago!" Shrukan said with a mighty roar.

"For three hours we trained and sweated. Then we were given long bamboo sticks about 10 foot long. They were greenish-yellow and had brown in some spots.

We had to all fight Shrukan at once for 3 hours. When we were done Shrukan yelled, " IF THAT'S ALL YOUZ GOTs DIN GIMME A HUNDRED PUSH-UPS NOW!" So we did, and left, for the rest of the day.

Display More

Once again, same bold and underlining..

STRUCTURING:

- When a new person talks, it's a new paragraph as so:

Quote

"YES SIR!" the hole class said but I.

Shrukan saw me not standing up.

"What was that Joan?"

"Huh? What are you talking about?" I asked.

"GET UP AND SAY: YES SIR!"

Joan got up slowly and said, " Sir yes sir."

"What was that?" Shrukan yelled with people chuckling in the back.

I became stiff. "SIR YES SIR!"

"Much better, you got a detention after class."

NOW GO TO THE TRANING FIELD!" Shrukan yelled.

"SIR YES SIR!" in unison the class said.

Automatically the calls lined up and to a straight perfect line. Shrukan then explained what to do and gave the kids their traning weapons: gold dust forged steel swords.

"Is this safe for traning, sir?" I asked.

"Yes it is, and no one has gotten hurt since 7800 years ago!" Shrukan said calmly.

For three hours we trained and sweated. Then we were given long bamboo sticks about 10 foot long. They were greenish-yellow and had brown in some spots.

We had to all fight Shrukan at once for 3 hours. When we were done Shrukan yelled, " IF THAT'S ALL YOUZ GOTs DIN GIMME A HUNDRED PUSH-UPS NOW!" So we did, and left, for the rest of the day.

Display More

Remember, Shrukan is only 15 and he doesn't speak like a real Army Sargent. He is more calmer, but easily angered by a few minor details.

Shrukan is a somewhat middle-ages character, so he knows nothing about guns and army talk.

Got it?

Quote from Zelda Hunter

*sigh* Got it. But in a story you dont really put spaces when someone talk. Or else the Harry Potter books would be 4 times as long.

That's how she did it. I'm going on how most book are written, like Eragon.

Well we're spacing it cause it's easier to read on the internet.

Just start whenever you feel like it.