I would love to learn in more detail what was holding you back when you had that position and how you feel much better without it.
I spent my university time trying to finish my career for the greater good. Getting the paper. I envied my friends that were on the art side while i was in IT. Even then IT was vaguely chosen in the hopes I could somehow reconcile it with my love for forums and interest in building a proper website. I didn't know what I'd do once it was over. I had studied before because that was my duty but somehow the idea of joining a big company or how I'd be working wouldn't make me feel excited in anyway. It actually would make me feel anxious and unfit. like something I'd have to swallow just to be what I knew people around me expected me to be. It backfired and I dropped in the middle of a semester after a breakdown. I just couldn't pass my subjects, my head was elsewhere. At the time I paused it and I hoped I'd continue it here.
Between that and now I have learned different things about me and what I want. I now think it is a mistake to rush people into university when they don't know yet what they want to do. I think some work experience, a little travel , something that puts them open to learn more of what is out there is better than just taking uni for being the next step hoping ambition will fall on them like a thunder. I think that hurrying comes because of this mentality. Money is important and we all have things we would like to own but when it becomes the center of your life, above the people you care for, above your own self- fulfilling activities, above your own ability to enjoy the peace of being here right now that is not doing better. It becomes a cycle.
I refuse to feel bad about the fact that I'm doing "worse" this year than I was last year. I'm happier, ergo I'm doing better.
You definitely are. You can feel it. Because you're being true to yourself instead of allowing yourself being dragged to this race to the top.
I am right now at the age where I am becoming aware of my own mortality. There is a point where you realise you're not in the age bracket where death seemed like something unlikely and far. I am pretty sure I have a long while to go if I die of natural causes but I've seen enough of that sense of control being shaken unexpectedly around me to know things can change a lot in an instant. It has taken me to think, to really weigh what is what I value and what I want in life. I no longer feel ashamed or less of a person because I am completely happy with the idea of just making enough to enjoy the lifestyle I currently have, save up for emergencies and keep building my retirement money account. I just want stable job, time to write, doodle, keep this project which is very important to me and keep learning little things that makes me happy.
I don't know where I read that we can either consume what other people make or create things to be consumed. I am happy consuming other things but I want to feel i am also making a little something every day, maybe writing, maybe drawing, maybe trying a new language. Just going out and enjoying the sky. I never want to lose the ability to enjoy simple things in life. Someone I care for a lot once said to me he could no longer do something like sitting to see a sunset because he would just be thinking about the time being wasted on it. It made me so sad to hear it and still makes me sad now, years after. Because for many that wasting time is tied to the "Time = money" mantra. There is so much more to life than money.
I am out and question why are we as a race where we are. This moment where we're so different with our malls and our roads, with our professions and our inability to survive in nature's grasp if we were thrown out. With our paradigms and taboos.
I want to have some fun in the moment, whether at work, with my amazing coworkers I've had the privilege to meet, online on forums, at home with my housemates... I want to encourage myself to do, write that story, post that comment, try that weird thing while nobody's looking, buy that you have wanted for a while. Just be responsible to keep your job, pay your bills support your lifestyle.