[Shrukan] Kye Syoshi's Training

Ok here are the problems:

Quote

It was a dark, rainy day and Kye was walking toward the Battle Grounds school. "Ugh, I can't belive myself, Actually losing to someone. I seek revenge, And to do that, I must fight with excellence!" Kye had the map to the school in his hand. "Odd. This isn't the path on what it looks to be on the map..." Some minutes later, Kye comes in contact with another fighter.

You have it to make it like this:

Quote

It was a dark, rainy day and Kye was walking toward the Battle Grounds school.

"Ugh, I can't belive myself, Actually losing to someone. I seek revenge, And to do that, I must fight with excellence!" Kye had the map to the school in his hand. "Odd. This isn't the path on what it looks to be on the map..."

Some minutes later, Kye comes in contact with another fighter.

Or improve like this:

Quote

It was a dark, rainy, and dreary day. Kye was upset, having just lost a battle, and clutched his clothes closer to his body to keep himself warm.

"Ugh.... I can't believe this! Losing to someone weaker than me!"

He held the map before him, just making sure it didn't turn soggy. He held the map before him, realizing the path he was taking wasn't marked on the map.

"Hmm odd..."

Another fighter shows up sometime later, flexing his muscles.

"Do you know where this Battle School is?" Kye asked.

"No one can enter." The fighter replied, "Only the strongest can enter! Not some wimp!"

Etc...

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Characters talking are separated per character speaking, not all one paragraph, as I shown above.

Paragraphs are bunched up actions.

For example at the end:

Quote

"Stop! Please! I didn't mean it!"

"No....I must......I desire to....KILL! Hahahahahaha!!"

In a few more seconds, he was dead.

Kye's hair and eyes have changed back to normal.

He went through a swamp and arrived at the school. Everyone gave him a mean look. Like he was an outcast. That didn't seem to bother him that much.

"Welcome to class" said the teacher, Shrukan. "Let's begin!"

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I know this maybe sounding a bit as a pain, but this is what I am having troubles with:

I'll be using the 6+1 traits I learn at school:

http://www.madison.k12.wi.us/tnl/langarts/sixtrtcrsmtrl.htm

Ideas: Rating: 5

Good. You focus on the main point of the post.

Organization: Rating: 4

Some parts were bunched together that really didn't need to be. I showed you your errors in the organization. That is the main problem in this post.

Voice: Rating: 2

I sensed no real voice in this. Most of it sounded mechanized and hardly any real emotion to it. All I really did hear was machines... No offense.

Word Choice: Rating: 3

Everyday words, and nothing striking. Striking words (used corectly), help improve the writing.

Sentence Fluency: (not going to bother)

I hope you understand. Continue on with the "story".

NEW ASSIGNMENT!

Describe more on your surroundings, including character's actions and how they act. Shrukan, your teacher, is my character. He is smartass at times, but since he is a teacher, he is more dead serious than before.

Trying doing this:

-Give each character in the story their own personality. Like lazy, ambitious, happy-go-lucky, etc.
- Describe the room. Is it white? Is it white with writing all over it?
- Describe the other characters and their clothing.

ETC. I hope this doesn't hurt you, but that's the REAL main points in RPGing is giving good description so the person you RPG with has an idea of what is going on.

Edit: I noticed capitalization errors, and minor typos. Make sure to look it over before posting.